Wednesday, October 7, 2009

The Sausage of Vienna

Vienna Sausage, the best in the land
Proudly I sit with a can in my hand
No hunting required, no guns to employ
Just pop off the lid, and start to enjoy

O Sausage, fair meat from a place called Vienna
The mere sound of these words will raise my antenna
In the family of SPAM, but to my regret
It’s the weird, crazy uncle some want to forget

Crammed into a can with no room to spare
The fragrance of meatiness perfumes the air
The savory broth for which to imbibe
Has an “interesting” smell that’s so hard to describe

Akin to the digits of a middle-aged man
These Vienna Sausages fall from the can
Seven pink wonders, each two inches long
Oh, the magic fills my heart with a song

Extruded in batches from a giant machine
It’s cylindrical sludge (if you know what I mean)
This product includes both the feet and the snout
And form a geometrical meat-log layout

The texture is soft, even spongy, and light
There’s no criticizing this gourmet delight
It cuts with a knife and is smooth as paté
It’s good on a cracker (at least that’s what they say)

The trimmings of animals all scraped together
Crushed and formed into “sausages!” Oh, the splendor!
Combining the innards, the bone and the hoof
My triglyceride count has gone through the roof

The can says the meat is "mechanically deboned"
And I’ve heard that the animals all have been cloned
To provide the consistency we all deserve
A marvelous product we clearly observe

The snap of a hot dog, distinct and unique
In this sausage is absent, like Ancient Greek
Not as fatty as SPAM, and the taste, well, it’s great
It’s surprising that it would remain on your plate

Running string through the links of this tender meat
I make a large wreath and admire this feat
Like the candy necklace I munched in my youth
An occasional speck of grit stuck in my tooth

No need to refrigerate or even reheat
This superb byproduct is ready-to-eat
A good M.R.E. on a camp or a hike
A delicious companion wherever you like

Some call it ambrosia, the “food of the gods”
While others can’t stand it…what are the odds?
Bake them, deep fry them or make into hash
Some strongly contend they belong in the trash

Some consider it only “emergency” food
But sausage supporters believe this is rude
With all the preservatives, this meat will last
For centuries, or perhaps a nuclear blast

Despite the debate I think you will agree
That keeping canned food is necessary
There is no excitement, no glamour, no glitz
But you’ll be glad you have them when the Big One hits

These fleshy M-80s all drunken with brine
That buttery texture, so rich and so fine
This pureed meat product, a marvelous snack
Take heed, may induce a mild heart attack

For this wondrous concoction, eternal my thanks
To the mad scientist of these Frankenstein franks
These freakish frankfurters, this mystery meat
A brilliant invention, a miracle treat!

This culinary marvel I proudly will serve
Impaled on a toothpick as a kind of hors d’oeuvre
Made from chicken, and beef, and don’t forget piggies
This succulent sausage is offered by…Libby’s.

Scott M. Passey

1 comment:

Christopher Bigelow said...

Awesome. Favorite stanza:

Akin to the digits of a middle-aged man
These Vienna Sausages fall from the can
Seven pink wonders, each two inches long
Oh, the magic fills my heart with a song